finally woke up! I had been living my life like a turtle with it's head hidden in it's shell. It's as if I had been in a sleep-like state focusing on and living with my past experiences guiding my present and future life. I talked about my past. I thought about my past. I felt the pain from my past. I made every choice and decision based on my past. I didn't allow myself to be present with the life that I'm living now. I didn't allow myself to be present for new opportunities and ideas. Focusing on my past kept me there which was not a very good place to be in. It felt like I was in a state of perpetual unhappiness. This was my choice - to play the role of the victim. But the funny thing is that I was the only one who got hurt. This was because of the choice that I made in placing my painful past experiences at the front and center of my life.
Then awhile ago something occurred that change my life. I finally woke up. This happened when my mother died. Her passing opened the floodgates to a new way of life for me. The hole that was left was huge. To fill this hole in my heart I began to remember the words of wisdom that she imparted to me. She gave me the gift of clarity and direction a few days before she died. She talked to me about her life's choices and decisions that she made which was based on her painful childhood experiences. It was an 'aha' moment for me. I was listening to my mother speak about what had happened in her life and why it had happened. She seemed to say that I shouldn't be making choices and decisions based on my painful childhood. I should learn from the lessons in my life, live with love and forgiveness and move forward with happiness and joy.
Now was time to stop dwelling on past painful experiences that couldn't be changed. It was time to live my life by being present and open to new situations and events. By being present, I didn't need to live in the past anymore. I could make new friends and new experiences based on the choices and decisions that I could make now. I could choose to live a happy or a miserable life. It was all up to me. I chose happiness. I chose now.
When my mother died my life changed dramatically. I was never the same again. I understand now that even though she was my mother, she was still her own person with her own path. She had her own pain and did the best that she could in her life. That's what we all do. We act upon what we know at the time that something is happening.
As the saying goes, hindsight is 20-20. Once we forgive ourselves for any pain that's occurred in our lives then we can be free again. Free to pursue our lives with truth, unconditional love and compassion (empathy). I choose to live my best life now. I choose to focus on my present life and to be happy.